Pride and Vanity

8 01 2009


Those are my downfalls. I’ll put it out there. I’m not ashamed to admit my faults. I’m a person who prides herself on righteousness sometimes, and it can bite you back harder than you think. I got caught up in one of those moments over the past 24 hours and it has eaten at my soul. So much that it caused me to admit and realize that no matter how hard I try I will never be what I deem as “PERFECT” there is no such thing. I finally am aware of this long known fact. Although I know it, and am relieved to have awaken to this reality, it will take daily practice to constantly acknowlidge this. My soul is tired, it is at one of it’s weakest points and I can’t go on in a haze, believing that other voice inside my head telling me I need to be better, that I have all of the answers, and that my way is the ONLY way. It’s tiring. and i’m so tired.

I’m also a vain person. I feel vain just typing that sentence. Seriously – ask me if I can pass a mirror without looking at it. I’m a chump. I think about myself constantly. What I’m missing out on, what I could get that would make me feel better, look better, be a better wife, mother, daughter, dancer, Christian (THAT is a whole ‘nother ball o’ wax) What makes me feel better – that’s what I’m constantly striving for. mememememememememe. It can become exhausting. and i’m so tired.

tired.

There has got to be something more to this. This is the one and only life that we have. That I have. Why waste it on oursleves, myself? Can I reverse 33 years of vanity and selfish ways? I suppose that would be my New Year’s resolution – besides still trying to loose the baby weight – dang it – there’s that vanity again……

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